In Which Will is Allowed no Peace

 Well, well, well...look who decided to stop by:

Right in the big toe.

We have no idea why gout's back. It's not like we've been drinking a lot of port and eating a bunch of mutton. 

That's another week we'll be away from the gym.. At this point we might as well go. Hurts anyway, right? For that matter, we might as well have the hamburger. Staying away from red meat isn't doing anything.

Perhaps a return to the pre-2015 lifestyle:

That's how we used to do it, people. A drink on our right, a cigar clenched between our teeth as we wrote ridiculously detailed combat sequences. Basking in the afternoon sun...We used to love to get a sweat on. We wrote Pershing in Command that way. It was glorious.

If reader(s) think we're feeling sorry for ourselves they're absolutely right.

Fuck Humanity I have Gout

There I am humming along doing an hour + of cardio, including a half an hour on the treadmill, four times a week, when guess who shows up:

The other night I woke up feeling like a pointy vice was closed around the knuckle in my big toe, just like that right hand claw up there.

The thing about gout is it screws with the rest of the leg becuase one is forced to overcompensate. So my calf is throbbing as well.

Bitch-ass motherfucker.

You know, if I'm going to get gout could I had least have the meat and booze lifestyle to go with it?

I don't even fucking touch red meat anymore. You know when the last time I had a fucking hamburger was? I went to a hibachi a couple of weeks ago and got chicken. Chicken!

Oh, this stuff makes you real pleasant to be around I tell you.

Ef You Gout. Ef you to H

Gout sucks.

But it's more than that.

Gout makes us feel icky, like we don't want anyone to touch us. We usually want to sleep alone.

This is what it's like to have a yeast infection, isn't it?

[Oh my god. SMH. Are you menstruating too? Ed]

We've Laid up for several days now, doing nothing much. No gym, not household work.

Interestingly Mrs. Stroock seems to be enjoying herself. It reminds us of the first time we got bronchitis in college. The 17 year old Mrs. Stroock took care of us then. She was playing house. 

Stupid !@#$ Passover brisket.

[Forty years in the desert and you're complaining about a little gout-Ed]

Gout!

Look who's back:

Absolutely debilitating and takes an act of will just to pick yourself up to get to the phone. As painful as giving birth.

Brought on by working out three out of four days and getting dehydrated.*

Thank you cortisone. Thank you. 

*25 on the treadmill, 15 on the rope pully thing, 15 on the bike, 15 on the rowing machine.

On Gout

Martin Kettle writes, 'Gout is no joke.'

I endorse every last word of Kettle's piece, including 'and', 'I' 'the', and 'a'.

I got gout, bad.

When I was first diagnosed with gout in 2015, my reaction was, 'Gout? What the fuck am I, an 18th century English lord eating too much mutton and drinking too much port?'.

Gout happens when uric acid builds up in the joints. The acid dries and leaves behind razor sharp microscopic crystals. Those crystals are in one's joints, interacting with cartilage and soft tissue. Gout is not an ache. Gout is not a sore. Aches and sores are mere Trinity blasts compared to gout's 50 Megaton Tsar Bomba.

Below, painted in 1799 by James Gillray, is as good a visual representation of gout as one will find:

The claws are a nice touch.

Last month NY Mets outfielder, Jay Bruce, was out with mere plantar fasciitis, something from which we also suffer. Bruce is a pussy. 

As far as pain threshold goes, Gout is about on par with childbirth. You can look that up.* My first podiatrist asked, 'How the hell did you even walk in here?' To which I replied, 'I have will of iron and you will refer to me as Drago.'

These days I get gout about every six weeks, regardless of precautions - including avoiding alcohol and red meat. Which leaves me just loving life, the universe, and everything. Might as well just have the fucking hamburger at this point.

*I will respond to any challenge by any mother, any time, any place on the issue. You can take your pain of child bearing and stick it with your yoga pants, sensible sneakers, and glass of chardonnay.