Your World Cup Post

Futbal non Americano Part Deaux

The solons of Europe spawned all the bad ideas of the 20th century and their fields are soaked with our blood, America is full of people whose ancestors fled Europe, and it weren't for us  they'd be the smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire. So being a red-blooded, red-meat eating*, Red-killing American, we're deeply suspicious of all things European.

Futbal is no exception.

[It's not just European, dumb Yank-Ed]

Yeah, yeah. 

Anyhoo, futbal makes us think of a bunch of Continental Euro-trash prancing around in their short-shorts and kicking.

[You played soccer as a boy, you twit-Ed]

True. which is the purpose of this post.

[Oh sweet Jesus, I'm going to go binge-watch The Crown-Ed]

I would totally do Princess Margaret, also the Queen.

[You're going to get a stern letter from the palace-Ed]

Anyway, for four seasons we played Town of Cortland Youth League Soccer. Their were six teams, all sponsored by a local business. We were Brick Shirt House and later Irvin-Simon Photo Ink; blue shirts. The other teams were the white shirted Century 21, green shirted Bekin Restaurant Supply, red shirted Quickmart, and a brown shirted squad. We can't remember the name.

Frankly we don't remember much about player soccer. We had Saturday practice which featured a lot of corner kicks, passing, headbutting the ball. We Don't remember doing anything in games but kicking the ball and frankly we don't remember doing much of that, except for the one time our fourth season when we kicked our first goal** and the next game when we kicked another. But that's it.

You don't suppose we were the soccer equivalent of the kid stuck in right field, do you?***

[Nooooooooo of course not-Ed]

We finished first all four seasons and never lost a game.

[I'm sure you were the deciding factor-Ed]

It was fun, and we wish we'd stuck with it. 

*Not anymore, not when just seeing a steak makes our foot twitch with gout.
**Ahhh we can still see the ball majestically flying past the diving goalie.
***Foreign reader(s), in youth baseball very few balls get hit to right field, so that's where you stick the worst fielder. We played right field in youth baseball. See Peter Paul and Mary's Out there in Right Field Watching the Dandelions Grow. Over the course of our last season, we made two catches and two horrific errors.

Futbal non Americano*

Every four years we sit down and catch some World Cup. We enjoy it well enough. What follows are a few notes from an American neophyte:

-We love the way the clock ticks no matter what. Stopped clocks and unnatural pauses are a major weakness of American sports.
-Yes there's a lot of 'non-action', a lot of just kicking and standing around. But it's no worse than other sports.
-One feels genuine tension when the team possessing the ball closes on the goal.
-The kicker stands a decent chance of scoring, much more so than in hockey.
-The flopping has got to stop. Come on guys, you look totally gay.
-There are no fatties in Futball.

Lastly, these guys all stand for their national anthem. We sense an opening for professional Soccer, as we call it here in America.

*The NFL likes to market itself as Football Americano on Telemundo and Univision.