Stroock on Metric Numbers: Not in this House

Yesterday, Middle Daughter asked us for help studying for her math test. 'Sure,' we said. What's it on? 

'The metric system,' she replied.

'The metric system? Good God! What are they teaching you there? Government education, buncha commies...'

'Daddy, are you ok?'

'No, by God I am not ok. There are only two kinds of countries on God's earth, those that use the Metric System and those that invented the Atomic Bomb. Let me know when a Belgian walks on the moon. That's not even a real country. What the fuck is a Walloon, anyway?'

'Daddy, I...'

'Our boys didn't kick all that Kraut butt in World War One and World War Two for you to be taught the Metric System.'

'But my teacher...'

'But nothing. Mrs. D always was a little hippy-dippy. I'm not surprised. The Metric System isn't even adequate for America. One can't measure cross-continental trips in stupid wimpy kilometers. The Krauts did it in forty-one and look how that turned out for them. Why Americans have more guns than Europe's stupid Metric numbers can count.'

'Daddy....'

'Eli Manning didn't throw an 18.2 meter pass to win Super Bowl XLII. He threw a twenty yard pass!'

'Daddy, I think Tucker Carlson is coming on....'

'This isn't Canada. What's next, socialist medicine? One hundred and twenty yard long football fields? Americans hoisting the Grey Cup! Maybe we should all smear our faces in shoe polish like Prime Minister Black Face up in Ottawa.'

'Huh?'

'Metric numbers? No. No, by God. A thousand no's. This is America and we use imperial numbers. It ends, now. Gather your armies. America, America, god shed his grace on thee....'

'Mom! Dad's doing it again....'